top of page
Bride and Groom

B9. Husband and Wife.

A great mass of men and women live today in spirit and action in separate worlds of their own. These are neither healthy nor natural worlds. The man often lives in his business, art, trade, or profession. He goes to the office, store, workshop, or other place in the morning, is absent all day, and returns at night. In thousands of cases, the woman, the wife, is quite ignorant of this business and its details. She could not take charge of it in case of her husband’s sickness. She must leave that to others, and may, therefore, in case the husband loses his body, become at the mercy of others. 

Many married women live almost entirely in the world of the household, the care of their children, and, to greater or lesser extent, in shopping, and associating during the day with companions of their own sex.

Many husbands and wives know relatively very little of each other’s pursuits. The wife knows that her husband is a lawyer, a merchant, a blacksmith. That is nearly all. The man, in many cases, knows so little of household work, care, and responsibility, as to sometimes imagine, in the vague conception he has of these things, that he “could do it all in an hour,” involving the sweeping, dusting, marketing, and all other of the manifold efforts required from cellar to garret, from kitchen to closet, to keep a house in good order. 

How can you have a live, appreciative sympathy with your wife’s household efforts and her world, when you know so little of it? How can you, the wife, have a live, appreciative sympathy in your husband’s business, when you know so little about it? When you visit his store, his law office, his workshop, you know little or nothing of the things he uses, or of the character of his efforts. Merchandise, bales, barrels, books, ledgers, metal, wool, cotton, oil, whatever he may deal with, are no more to you, and suggest no more, than when you first saw them. They become in time things dull, unmeaning, and tiresome.

In mind the husband often brings these things and this business home with him. It may be trade, law, speculation, invention, medicine, some art, some science, some profession. He may sit at the table eating, and be absorbed in the thought of these things. His mind may be on them in the evening. He may amuse and entertain you at such times by writing a letter to some business correspondent in Calcutta.

Where is he during these moods? In the room where his body is? No. A person may not be where their body is at all. A person is really where their thought travels. If that thought is for half an hour fixed intently on a person in Calcutta, and the body is in New York, there is far more of the real person acting in Calcutta than in New York.

Your husband brought his body home, but forgot to bring his mind with it. His mind was probably in Calcutta when he opened the front door. If his is an agreeable and entertaining mind, when he keeps it where his body is, and allows it to act on that body in talking and expressing ideas to entertain you, you are then deprived of his agreeable company during these temporary sojourns in Calcutta, or possibly at the club, or in the court of law, or some other place where he expects to be next day, and really is now.

During the period of courtship, you may recollect that on coming to see you, he brought oftener his mind and body together, and was not so much temporarily absent in Calcutta as at present. It was then necessary to bring mind and body in the house at once, and keep them both there, because you were not then, possibly, quite won, and therefore it was necessary for him to be lively and entertaining until the winning process was over. It was not then so safe for him to temporarily visit Calcutta as at present.

These temporary visits of your husband to Calcutta would not be so irksome to you could you but go there in spirit with him, and have similar objects of interest whereon to fix your mind. But he goes alone in his own world, and leaves you behind in your world; that is, the best world you can make for yourself, under the circumstances, when you are longing to enter into and blend yourself with your husband’s world, and all his worlds and fields of thought.

This is the wife’s real place and divine right.

If long experience has not made you callous and indifferent to this domestic life in separate worlds, to this occupancy by two bodies of the same room with only a half union of spirit, you may grieve, or feel a certain disappointment or sense of unrest, coming of, you scarcely know what. You have a “good husband,” as the world goes. He provides well for you. You think you ought not to complain; yet you cannot avoid a sentiment of complaint. You ask, “Is this, then, all there is of wedded bliss? Has it, indeed, settled down to a monotone of a house, a home, a husband, all that the world says a woman should expect in marriage—and Calcutta, every evening?

If you have unconsciously become callous, and made up your mind to accept a man’s body as congenial company when his mind is somewhere, you may join the ranks of a world of women now existing, whose husbands’ minds are almost always in some Calcutta, far or near. There is a world of married women who have formed an exclusive woman’s world. They associate with women more than with men. They find in their own sex more companionship. They shop together. Their calls by day are on other married women. The man is absent; necessarily so, it is argued, at his business.

In thousands of places called “homes,” the entrance of the husband, or, indeed, of any man, into a room where two or three members of the married woman’s world is gathered, is the signal for a cessation of their conversation, or the dispersal of the group. Why? Because, through long usage, either they dare not continue their talk before him, or do not consider that it interests him. It is exclusively of their own world. Nor is it easy for a man to enter this world, even if disposed. He will feel a barrier ’twixt him and it. He will feel their reluctance to continue the talk which before his entrance so interested them. He will sometimes feel that for the time they wish him away. And so they do.

He will feel as much out of place as would a lady who should intrude on a group of men “down town,” talking stocks, or politics, or business, or so much that passes for business, or intrudes itself into business to enliven it.

For they are then in their peculiar masculine world—a world which men for many ages have been making, and which it is very difficult for a woman to enter.

Up to a certain age, boy and girl associate together in a perfect companionship. They play together, and with equal pleasure, and equal agility also, race, run, jump, climb fences, trees and hay‑ricks, coast on the snow in winter, and ramble in wood and field in summer.

Why should not this equality of companionship continue later on? What real gain is there that the young man in his boating, his ball play, and in much of his recreation should live in an exclusive world of his own, into which the girl is admitted more as a looker‑on than a participant; although in this participation she is, of late years, gaining ground.

Ages on ages ago, man argued that he was better fitted for many occupations, by reason of superior strength of muscle, than women.

But man did not know that without the nearness of the feminine element, or thought, his strength of muscle would fail him. He did not know that when a greater closeness of sympathy and combination of interests is formed between man and wife, the greater will be his strength of both mind and muscle. He did not know that it was her strength, also, that did the work. He did know that if he took all her strength, and gave none in sympathy back, that the supply was going all to one side, and that in consequence, both in time would lose all strength.

What is meant by “taking her strength?” This: that when a woman’s thought is in any degree of sympathy directed on a man, he receives of that thought‑current a literal strength for mind and body.

Why has dancing more exhilaration when the sexes dance together, than when they attempt this exercise separately? Because the combination of the masculine and feminine thought‑elements gives to each such exhilaration.

Without nearness of the feminine thought‑element, men wear out the sooner physically, as has been proven in the remote mining districts of the West, inhabited exclusively by men.

This exclusive world of women is as unhealthy and unnatural as is the exclusive world of men. In the man’s world, woman is an intruder. In the woman’s world, man is an intruder. Wherever the masculine element throws out the feminine, there is coarseness. Wherever the feminine element throws out the masculine, there comes narrowness and an excess of prudishness, which may at last reach such an extreme as to see evil in everything masculine. This makes minds really impure.

Where, in this way, the masculine mind discards and rejects any part of the feminine mind, there comes, as a result, a corresponding amount of mental and physical weakness. Where the feminine mind similarly throws out the masculine, and lives in its exclusive world, there comes to the feminine a similar mental and physical weakness.

“He created them male and female.” Nowhere in nature has the Spirit of Infinite Good, or God, made a world exclusively masculine or exclusively feminine. You find this in the forest and the fields; for all through the vegetable kingdom there is the male plant, or principle, sand the female plant, or principle; and these two are necessary for the relatively perfect growth or fruition of each other. The strawberry bed, the field of corn, will not thrive unless these two elements are brought together.

In those more complicate expressions of thought, the masculine and feminine minds, or spirit, these spiritual forces acting on each other, produce far greater results. The masculine and feminine thought needs to be blended in all interests, in all business, in all recreation, in all life. Where it is so blended, even though imperfectly, there is more life.

The feminine thought is different in its nature from the masculine. It acts on the masculine nature both as a rest and a stimulant, or inspiration. It gives to the man an actual strength to use in his trade or business, which, often in his ignorance, he supposes to be entirely his own, and drawn altogether from himself. Your husband may not be able to write and go in spirit to Calcutta, unless you, his wife, are in the room, or at least in the house. If you are not there, he feels uneasy. He cannot “fix his mind” on anything. When you come in, and are seated, he can go on with his work, and amuse you with his pen scratching.

Why is this? Because the feminine element, your thought, which he absorbs from you, is giving him the very strength he uses to go to Calcutta. He feels something, he can’t tell exactly what, that gives him a sensation of ease and comfort when you are near. That is caused by your thought of love and sympathy flowing toward him. He feeds on that as much as on bread.

If your thought and sympathy was turned entirely on another man, or entirely on other interests, he would feel restless and uneasy, though entirely ignorant that your affections had strayed in another direction.

Some husbands cannot entertain their wives by silently poring over their newspaper or book for hours, unless the wife is in the room. The actual strength to read the paper comes from the force absorbed of the woman’s thought.

In like manner, the husband uses his wife’s strength in business at the store, the office, the workshop,—everywhere. For love and sympathy sent anyone, is a source of strength as much as is bread or meat.

Why, at middle age, does the man so often lose his body after the death of the material part of his wife? Because he is cut off from this supply of the feminine element, which he has absorbed, and used, and been nourished by, all his life.

Whose fault is this? Is it entirely that of the man? No. It rests as much with the woman as with the man. It rests with neither, so long as they are in complete ignorance of their use and values to each other. If you are daily the recipient of something that keeps you alive, and know not that you do receive it, or that such a substance exists, or that it keeps you alive, you cannot be censured for acting and living in a different manner from what you would, or should, did you know these things.

But when you are thoroughly awakened to the fact that you are giving of your very life to another, that it is you who supply an element to that other, which may keep him alive, and keep him in a condition to do business, if then you make no demand to receive from that other an equivalent in return, then it is you who are at fault.

What is this equivalent you should receive? That of the flow of your husband’s thought to you in the desire to entertain you during your mutual hours of leisure, as his thought so went out to you before marriage, when he wished to woo you. Such thought would cheer and strengthen you in mind and body, even as it once did. Food, clothes, and a shelter, are not all your necessary vital supplies. You are not supposed to have married for these. You married your husband’s mind. You were attracted by that mind. You liked it. You received from it during courtship an element which was a source of pleasure. You do not receive so much now, and feel a loss. It is because he is, when by your side, too much in Calcutta.

He has the right to use the force he absorbs from you in the day’s business. He has no right to come home at night, draw it still from you, and use it in more business. He should use it in mind, as he did when he was glad to walk, possibly miles, through snow or rain, to chat an hour with you.

If he and you together think it a necessity so to use this force constantly, at any and all times of day and night, in anyone special pursuit or business, then you are not aware that for purpose of your mutual recreation and recuperation, these, your mutual forces, should be used in varied pursuits, so that one department of mind should rest while another is employed. Business is not as well done when a man’s mind runs on business day and night, at meal times, and all hours. Such habit breaks men down prematurely, and is one road to insomnia and insanity. When we feel, as we may, at times, that we are “tired of everything,” and the world and all in it seems worn out for us, it is because one department of mind and life is overtaxed. We lack, then, the ability or knowledge of getting into another side of life and living in that. True man and wife will know in time many sides of life, so to get into and live, which may now be neglected altogether.

The feminine mind and organization receives first all finer and higher thought or idea. It transmits this thought or force to the masculine mind to which it is most attracted. The feminine mind and organization is the finer and more delicate instrument for so receiving and transmitting such idea. The masculine thought and element is vitally necessary to keep this instrument in the best repair, to give it strength, cheer, and support, through love.

The masculine mind is as the trunk and root supporting branch and leaf. Trunk and root are more of the earth, and are harder and stronger. Yet if the leaves are destroyed, trunk and root will die. The feminine mind is as the branches and leaves of the tree, which first catch the sunlight, as the feminine mind first catches the higher and finer thought and force. So if anything prevents the feminine mind from performing its proper office, that of receiving the finer impression, the masculine mind will suffer, and the masculine body suffer, also, in sympathy. The feminine mind, or spirit, will droop and wither, unless it receives this strength of the masculine thought. If the mind droops, so in time will the body.

The masculine mind will be far more clear, vigorous, and evenly balanced, when it learns, as it will, in time, to respond always to this flow of thought from the feminine, and not as it receives this strength from the feminine, to expend it always on efforts other than those of being a real companion to the wife. When man and wife are together, their minds should be together. Their minds are not together when one is doing something that the other can take no interest in. Their minds are not together when one‑half the husband’s mind is constantly on interests in which, for the wife, there is no live, acting partnership.

This “partnership” means something more than the mere telling by husband and wife of each other’s troubles. Nor is it a growling to each other, in confidence, of their respective troubles. What good results from telling your perplexity to a person who has no power to assist you, and in whose judgment you have little or no confidence?

This interchange and blending of the masculine and feminine thought is an absolute necessity to health and vigor to body and mind of each. When this law is more understood and practiced, men and women in the married state will attain to higher and healthier conditions of body than can now be realized. Because, in so giving and receiving of their respective kinds of thought, there comes a fruition attainable in no other way. By “fruition,” we mean strong, elastic, supple muscles; increasing ability to enjoy all things; and, in place of decay, a constant building up of their respective spirits; and what builds up their spirits, must also build up their bodies.

The decay and weakness of body called “old age,” is a state of the body coming of the misuse or misdirection of the masculine and feminine spiritual or thought‑forces. Those forces can be as powerful to build bodies up, and reform them ever with newer and newer material, as they are now powerful to take them to pieces.

The two worlds in which so many men and women, husbands and wives, now live, bring, through the separation of these forces, disease, decay, and death. Their lack of blending in each other’s interests and occupations is certain, in time, to bring a lack of love. Now love is not endurance. Love is not a feeling on the wife’s part that she ought to be content, or will try to be content, when if she put the question closely enough to herself, she would be obliged to own to herself that she felt the lack of her husband’s attentions—the attentions of courtship; and more—for a true love will increase, in its desire to please, rather than lessen.

Love is literally life. The lack of it leads to death.

This unnatural world, in which so many women now dwell, is the greatest aid in making them harsh and repulsive. It robs them of their attractiveness to the other sex. It causes them, in time, not to care to be attractive. It makes them neglectful of their dress and personal appearance. It takes from life its mainspring for living. It tends to make them narrow, petty, censorious, and gloomy.

Because, be their intent as good as it may, women cannot, in associating for any purpose exclusively with women, get that force spring and impetus which comes from the masculine thought‑element.

On the other hand, the unnatural, one‑sided, exclusive, man’s world, of business, interest, and recreation, deprives him of a vital supply in the element of feminine thought; and this is one and the principal reason why he so often “lets down,” a few years after marriage, neglects his attire, becomes a plodder, refuses to entertain new ideas and aims, wants to live in a rut, and becomes, at the age of fifty, an “old man.”

As to interest and knowledge, no part of the husband’s life can be safely left out of the wife’s liveliest sympathy. A loving woman can, and will, learn anything she sets her mind upon.

As to interest and knowledge, no part of the wife’s life and occupation can be safely left out of the husband’s liveliest and loving sympathy.

This is not “sentiment,” as that word is sometimes interpreted. It is a law of nature, and its working is universal, from the mineral to man and woman‑kind; for the cruder elements of sex exist in all minerals.

There can be no whole nor happy life without a complete marriage. There is for every man and woman a complement, or completeness, in the opposite sex somewhere. There is but one such complement, or completeness, for every man and woman, through all eternity.

Many a couple, truly married through the law of attraction and Infinite Good, live together in these two worlds today. They live unhappily together. They live unhappily, because they do not know that permanent and increasing wedded happiness comes of the observance of certain laws and mental conditions toward each other. They must, to attain such happiness, become, in all things and interests, of one mind and spirit. If they cannot so become, then they are “yoked unequally together,” and are not true man and wife. But they may be “yoked unequally together,” temporarily, and certain errors being removed from the minds of one or both, find themselves truly married. More than one couple have found, despite repeated bickerings, and even where, disregarding the usages of conventionality, they have separated, that they cannot avoid coming together again. They do find something in each other they cannot find elsewhere. These are truly married, but one or both is immature.

Many a couple so married, yet not realizing in marriage today, the happiness they expected, nor the happiness they had during courtship, could commence for each other their paradise for eternity, by commencing where some leave off, even at the altar,—commencing the period of courtship over again; commencing the renewal of the little civilities and attentions which characterized that period; the desire to please each other’s eyes in care, taste, and neatness of attire; the control of temper and demeanor in each other’s presence; the checking of the cutting retort or sarcasm,—commencing to restore those certain barriers and formalities of etiquette which it is never safe for man and wife to disregard and trample over. For, when you allow these barriers to be destroyed, you destroy respect for your personality, and when ever so little of respect is gone, just so much of contempt replaces it; and when the husband bounces into the wife’s room, or presence, bringing all his ill humor with him, and with no more sign of respect for what should be the sacredness of such place or presence than he has for his stable, then be sure more or less of his respect for you is lacking.

In this regard the wife, also, may trample down these barriers, as well as the husband.

Commence, also, to ask each other if what they do is pleasing to the other. Commence in pursuits mutually enjoyed, this much‑needed blending of minds and flow of their very vitality and force of thought, each to the other, so that it shall build them up in mind and body, and when properly directed, in fortune, also. Let them cease this ruinous separation in spirit, coming of the husband’s frequent journeyings in mind, even in his wife’s company, to some one or other of his Calcuttas.

It may not, in every case, be easy for such couples to rebuild immediately the edifice of early love thus torn, mutilated and desecrated, through years of neglect. “Use doth breed a habit in a man,” and woman, also; and the cross word, the surly demeanor, the outburst of peevishness, may sometimes come, despite all effort at first to prevent it. But enough can be soon done to prove that love can again be placed on its first and right basis; and it can also be proved, that such love between them, and all the pleasure it brings, can be increased, and keep on ever increasing.

And when both have done their best to overcome their infirmities and defects, which have grated and rasped the other, there is a great, Supreme Power, to call upon in mind, and from which we must demand that which will make us whole.

Q's note:

Yin to the Yang.  Yang to the Yin :)


Image Credit:


Insider (n.d.). [Image]. Retrieved July 1, 2021, from


Mulford, P. (1886-1887). Husband and wife. Your forces and how to use them (pp.363-375). Hollister, Missouri: YOGeBooks by Roger L. Cole. doi: 2015:01:16:10:43:09

bottom of page